I am in Puerto Rico, The Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave.
They have one star on their flag, much like the United States Flag but with forty-nine fewer stars.
Today I drank coconut milk and Bacardi. I did not know it was so. The milk was so innocent and so purely white. One drink was all I took before I spat it in the lobbyist's face (he was a man in the lobby serving welcome drinks to people- doesn't that perfectly describe a lobbyist?). If you don't know who I am, know this: I do not drink alcohol in any form except sometimes hand sanitizer, and even then it's only because I sanitized my hands then ate pizza and licked my fingers afterward.
Puerto Rico is Spanish for "Suntan Lotion Everywhere," and indeed there is suntan lotion everywhere. It's on my shorts, in my hair, served on a stick for lunch, and slathered all over my book. I could move my bed into the sun and be just fine since it's been covered in 70 spf ever since I took a midday siesta after sloshing on one and a half bottles of the stuff. I think the sun and the skin colluded, then performed some insider trading to make sure Puerto Rico was named the sunblock empire of the United States!