29 March 2009
26 March 2009
Now, onto more significant law. The other major issue weighing heavily on my mind is this: Women over 60 in bikinis. It must stop. I pre-emptively propose, as President, that there be a law against women over 60 in two-pieces. Think what a better world it would be! Now, this is a lot easier said then done. It will require Lifeguards to become law enforcement officers, and they will need some form of enforcing this law. There was a storm in my brain, and here's what I came up with in terms of ideas for enforcement: nightsticks, miniature surfboards for paddling, and harpoons. Seaweed handcuffs could also work. Keep in mind that I am being very generous with the 60 age limit as it is; if the law didn't have to go through Congress and the Senate I would set the limit at 45. This will require a complete overhaul of our national beaches, including ID-ing questionable specimen, and a major crackdown on fake IDs created by sexagenaraians. The underground market for two-pieces aimed at over sixty-ites will not take long to develop, which is why I am asking you to help me now. Now is the time to be bold with your grandmother when she comes downstairs, on her way to the beach, and asks, "How do I look?" America, you must start now, and tell her, "Grandma! That ain't right!" Bennett '32!
16 March 2009
12 March 2009
03 March 2009
2.) Shave with a buck-knife
5.) Orbit Pluto
3.) Go to the Necco candies factory and learn how they are made
1.) Use the Googlie
6.) Fly on an Eagle's wings (if no Eagle is availabe, a parakeet will do)
7.) Shave my head except for a chinstrap beard that extends around my entire head
4.) Go Heli-Skiing! Check- been there done that!
Yes, last Saturday, in an effort to say good-bye to February 2009, I celebrated with my family by going to Powder Mountain in Ogden, UT to go H-E-L-I-S-K-I-I-N-G! For those of you who think I just cursed, you are mistaken. I said I went heli-skiing, not "To h*** with skiing!" Heli-skiing consists of getting into a helicopter with all you ski equipment stuffed in an exterior rack and you in the chopper. You fly to a moutaintop away from the regular ski slope, and the helicopter lets you out to ski clean, white, deep, beautiful, unadulterated powder. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever done, besides of course the Mona Lisa. The snow on an untarnished mountain goes through a transition as it falls from the sky that makes it feel (and taste) like coolwhip. That might be a stretch of the imagination, but I'm hungry so coolwhip works for an image. The safety precautions of the trip were quite peculiar. For example, there were none. Thy ski patrol representative told us where to kneel in anticipation for the chopper. His particular spot of genuflection seemed very, very close to the helipad, and indeed when the helicopter landed it nearly squished my little toe. He told us the reason for that was that if a gust of wind hit the chopper as it was landing, and the chopper tilted over, we would be protected from the rotars. I am still trying to figure out why that would be better than having an entire helicopter land on us, but he said so, so I obeyed! We all got equipped with beacons in case we were overtaken by a Yetti, and we had a guide to make sure we knew which way was down (we only needed his assistance once). The helicopter trip was incredible, and worth the money, and I can safely say the run was one of the best of my life. Heli-skiing is definitely something that needs to be experienced before one passes on. Oh my goodness it was amazing!