30 January 2010

How Did That One Get Past the Editor?

The front page article in the BYU newspaper on Friday was: Swimmer Surprises Herself, Coaches.
Like a fresh dollup of minty toothpaste, this conjured many ideas in my head, such as the following:
Was she playing hide-and-seek and forgot she was the one hiding?
Was she playing peek-a-boo and forgot that is was her face behind the mysterious hands?
Did she throw herself a surprise birthday party?

And how did she surprise her coaches?
Was she hiding in the dirty towel hamper, and jumped out at them? When was the last time you used the word 'hamper'? Should that last quotation mark go on the inside or the outside of the question mark?
Did she surprise her coaches in a good way? A bad way? Perhaps after a semester of idolatry she surprised them with a visit to the gym?

With my interest at his absolute peak, ready to fling itself off the precipice of perplexity, I turned to lucky page 13 to read the article. But alas, I didn't get very far due to the title on that page: Freshman Swimmer Rises to the Top.
Does this imply she was at the bottom? Was she diving for aquatic rings? Had she drowned, and the lifeguards brought her to surface level? Was the surprise that she survived?
I will probably never read the article, and yet it still conquered my curiosity and bombinated my head with pregnant preguntas.  I'm not quite sure that last sentence made sense, but then again I don't speak Spanish. That, my friends, is a sign of truly fantastic journalism. Live on Daily Universe, Live on.

20 January 2010

Melanoma School of Beauty

The Marinello School of Beauty- or as I like to call it, the Melanoma School of Beauty, due to the excessive evidence of tanning bed frequenters- was the sight of my most recent hair trimming. I had not heard of it until I saw their signs at the old Bon Lose it of Comedians and realized the mantle had been passed on from one beauty school to another. The first thing that struck me when I walked in was the array of trophies christened in a glass case below the receptionist. My curiosity fully engaged, I genuflected to get a better look at what type of awards could be won by a beauty school. Best Hair on a Receptionist? Best Fake Tans? Most Professional Shampooers? Least Likely to Cut Your Ear Off? Nope, the tallest guerdon was labelled as follows, and I know because I wrote it down:
First Place: Student Fantasy Bal Masque 1995
Written exactly like that. Let me break this award down.

17 January 2010

The Bio Bay of Puerto Rico

I never really wrote much about my Christmas adventures to Puerto Rico, but they were a hugely significant part of my life the week I was there. How could I just pass over something so warm and sticky?
One highlight of the trip was our midnight sea kayaking excursion. Puerto Rico is home to a bio-luminescent bay, which is a scientific word for "We have no idea why the heck this body of water glows at night bay." The picture above doesn't really do it justice, but the basic idea is that there are protozoa in the water that light up when agitated (I'm semi-sorry if you're offended by the woman's choice of bathing suit. I think it's a bad pink, too). It makes for a reeeeealy cool effect in person. But the even more reeeeeealy cool thing was getting to the bio bay. Here's how it all went down.

13 January 2010

American Idol Massacre!

The other day I sat down for dinner with my wife and kids (only minus the wife and kids part) and- when the conversation got dehydrated- turned on the television. It was late in the evening (7:15pm) and I had had a long day in the Talmage building; my senses were numbed, dumbed, crumbed and willing to settle for anything. American Idol was on and, seeing as I enjoyed the previous episodes I watched, I kept it on. (My other option was a history of the progression of front doors from 'hanging cloth to wooden masterpieces,' which really didn't pique my interest.) And now for the provocative part of my blog: I was offended by American Idol! I watched it for a total of six minutes before thrusting my corndog in the VCR due to my extreme ire. Unfortunately (for me) the VCR was the only orifice I could locate on the entertainment center, and it didn't do anything to the television program. Now I have to buy my roommate a new VCR and the show stayed on irking me ruthlessly.

07 January 2010

Self-Titled (Honks)

I decided to invest in a pair of finger warming raiment, so I went to buy gloves at my favorite Dollar Store, Honks. They advertise that "It's always an adventure at Honks!" and with undue reservation I have to agree, although perhaps not in the same way they were thinking. Honks is a recent discovery for me, and I love it like a headphone loves an ear. I have bought birthday presents, Halloween costumes, 'butter' toothpaste, and a myriad of other items there, as you shall see if you choose to read on.
At Honks I found a pair of gloves that looked thick, durable, and warm for one dollla dolla bill. In the 'exciting' store they looked meritorious, but I learned later that they are gardening gloves... They are not warm, they don't stay on my digits, and they are turning my thumb green. They have zero use in January, February or March. Failure #1- but still an adventure! How come I didn't notice they were for gardening in the store?

01 January 2010

Movie Reviews: State of Play, Scoop, Sherlock Holmes

Lest you think I did too much reading this break, allow me to allay your fears with some critical movie reviews.
State of Play (2009)- Excellent movie. It had Rachel McAdams, journalism, action, current events, and brilliant suspense. I loved all of it. It put into question the necessity of journalism and the deviancy of certain politicians. The basic theme was a politician who is involved in an affair with the enemy, and how his good friend, a journalist, interprets the story and does some of his own detective work. Yes, I would recommend the movie. It had Ben Affleck, Russell Crowe, and Helen Mirriam too. Holla Holla Holla Holla.
Scoop (2006)- This movie was a real gamble for me. I found it in the chasm of the couch and its label said, entirely and exclusively, "Scoop." It may have been about ice cream; it may have been about a canine named 'Scoop,' or some other variation. Turns out it had some uncanny similarities to State of Play, meaning the scoop referred to a newspaper story lead. Featuring Scarlett Johansen, Hugh Jackman, and Woody Allen, it was well done. Mr. Allen stole the show with his slurred stutters and nonsensical sense of alacrity. The plot was murderous and still light-hearted. It was very British throughout and very delightful. Holla Holla Holla Holla.
Sherlock Holmes (2009)- This flick rounded out my 'S filmS' hat trick. Again with Rachel McAdams (and Jude Law, Robert Downey Junior), it was well acted. The director (some Guy who used to be married to Madonna) chose to introduce black magic and other mysticism involuntarily into the film, although their role was especially mysterious in the concluding scenes. I enjoyed the slow motion shots and the gumption of the dexterous Holmes, although this liberal interpretation was not how I would imagine a film from the Sir Arthur Conan Doyle books to be, if I were to read them. It was a decent movie but don't expect me to see the sequel in the theaters. Holla Holla Holla Hi.