31 October 2009

Check out the Self- Help Section If You Suffer From These

You might be in need of some life adjustments if you have ever experienced the following:
1.) You leave the country for two months without your cell-phone, and upon returning home you have only one message on your machine. Ironically, the message was one that you sent to yourself at the airport as you departed. It might (hypothetically of course) go like this, "Hey [insert arbitrary name here, like perhaps Wallace], it's Wallace from America. I hope you have a great time in Europe! I'll see you when you get back! Love, Wallace of the past."
2.) Your new favorite movie is about a 12 year old Swedish Vampire girl. Consequently, you are scared out of your wits of 12 year old Swedish girls, just in case they are bloodthirsty. Then, that fear extends to all 12 year old girls, and ultimately to all females.
3.) The majority of your texts come from www.dictionary.com, equipped with the Word of the Day.You get excited to see them, and anticipate their arrival daily.
4.) When faced with a breakfast television watching decision between a Beyonce music video and the Utah Education Network, you choose the Education Network. (I only stayed on UEN because it was describing an auspicious math lesson; otherwise Beyonce wins me over anytime. Heck, I even named my car after her!)

25 October 2009

If I Were the President of BYU-Provo

If I were the President of Brigham Young University-Provo, I would make the following changes:
5.) Rename 'Cosmo.' He is a rapacious feline, don't get me wrong, but his name must be changed. If BYU's mascot was an astronaut or a martian, Cosmo would be fitting. As it stands, Cosmo needs to legally alter his name to something like 'Shipbuilder' or 'Hairy One.' Those are the names that will strike fear in the hearts of his opponents the world over. If people complain, just pretend he got married and now goes by his wife's surname.
4.) Abolish Jamba Juice on campus. People are obsessed with Jamba Juice and it's affecting their health significantly, both physically and mentally. They say to themselves, "I'll just eat this 64oz. fruit smoothie for breakfast. It has enough sugar to make a martyr out of a diabetic or a corpse out of a really big bear, but I'm sure it's healthy because it has wheatgrass in it. Horses eat wheat and grass, and they are big and strong, so it must be equivalent to spinach!" Hence the demise of mental health. I don't like Jamba Juice.
3.) Set up a meals-for-cable program. I would gladly invite a random freshman over for an hour of my non-BYU cable if they fed me at the Cannon Center (we have the Food Network and the Travel Channel!). Heck, I'd pretty much do anything for a meal at the Cannon Center including tutoring, doing the Hokey-Pokey, or feeding fish to alligators, if the situation arose.
2.) Expand the music collection in the music room of the testing center. If I have to listen to the 'Seminary Soundtrack' one more time while taking a test, I'm going to light my exam on fire (with my eyes, nonetheless) and cram it in the antiquated CD player as it musically interprets Nephite coinage. And then I will obfuscate the 'Repeat' button so that when I take a four hour test I don't hear the same CD four times.
1.) Stop all Church meetings taking place in the practice rooms of the Harris Fine Arts Center (and move them elsewhere). I'd rather have Church in a tent, like Isaiah, than on the cement chairs of the windowless HFAC basement. The rooms are soundproof, childproof, windowproof, and surrounded by ominous instrument lockers that give the room a feeling of musical captivity. The podium is a wooden pier that tilts to the side when the speakers get up to talk and the Bishop's office has make-up busts in it that are quite freaky. 
While I am very satisfied with my BYU education, there is always room for improvement. If you went to BYU, what would you change?

23 October 2009

Psycho, X-men Origins: Wolverine, Chuck Close

Three more movies in my life are left for review. What to do? Oh What To Do!? Review and give you a preview? Destroy and leave you to employ [me]? I think the former, because the latter makes no sense whatsoever.
Psycho- This Alfred Hitchcock thriller is the best product to come from someone named 'Alfred' since bubble wrap. (As you'd have it, bubble wrap was invented by Alfred Fielding, just three years before the release of Psycho. Thank you Wikipedia!). That must have been a magical few years with all the achievements by Alfreds. The Davids will have our time; you just wait. Psycho was in black, white, gray, grey, off-white, and any other combination of hues that can be boiled out of white and black. (I often wonder if there was color at all in the Sixties. I have no evidence to the fact.) Psycho was scary. Scary like you'd feel if you were in a room with a gaggle of geese, and you were covered in pond slime.

17 October 2009


It is time to pay homage to Autumn- that glorious, forlorn season immovably lodged between the ectasy of Summer and the tenebrosity of Winter. Autumn exhibits an ability to amaze and enlighten me each time it occurs, for about three months. Here's what I love regarding the season named after sprinkling leaves:
  1. The sunshine. The sun shines boldly in the Summer, timidly in the Spring, and mistrustfully in the wintry months. But in Autumn it shines respectfully and delicately. The sun doesn't burn; it doesn't blacken. Instead it brightens and delivers. It transforms trees and makes collages of countrysides. The sun treats forests like the art they are and boldly frames them in spectacular fireworks.

14 October 2009


Today it was raining.
And, seeing as I don't have in my possession a rain slicker, goloshes, or an umbrella, I did the next logical thing: I wore my swimming trunks. When the idea struck me like lightening  this morning (equally as painful- not equally as brilliant) I was robing, and the thought seemed so promising. But as I later found out the idea should have been left in the planning stage. My ideas often seem judicious when I'm not fully awake (or flat out comotose) but then when I mention them to people later (after the sun has risen to a fine, full, fruition) they act like I've just suggested feeding their grandmothers avocados or cacti jelly. You know the look to which I reference.
My walk to school in my swim suit was chilly at best, and clammy. I was certainly not happy as a clam. Frankly, I'm not even sure what makes them so happy. They live in a dark shell under the sea until they are selected to face a boiling, ignominious death. Then they are dipped in garlic butter and swallowed whole. Perhaps the phrase should be "Swallowed like a clam" instead of "Happy as a clam." It could be used to describe four-year-olds propelling marbles up their nasal cavities.
Opting out on the shirt (it didn't look good with my Tommy Bahamas) just made me even colder. The rain glazed my bare skin like ice ream running down your hand beyond the elbow and several people asked me if I was a lifeguard. It's nice when random people ask you if you save lives for a living. The bottom line of this experiment is: Don't wear your swimming suit unless you are absolutely sure you are going swimming. It is a poor substitute for a rubber one-sie.

10 October 2009

Math Dedication

Wrqingod: That was meant to say 'Warning!'but apparently my fingers were not in the standard position. These things happen and there isn't much to be done. "But David! You are using a computer! Just press the backspace key." Yes, yes.... We'll see about that.
The aforementioned purported "Warning!" is still in effect, mind you. This post is going to reveal some nerdiness that is possibly unprecedented to your sparkling eyes. This week I took a midterm exam in my Matrix Analysis class. 70 points were in-class, and the remaining 30 were to be taken home. The latter portion was composed of three questions that permeated my mind like tiedye splotched maladroitly onto a blank shirt. (David, are you implying your mind was blank previous to this test? No Comment.) I wanted to ace the take home portion so I thought long and punctiliously about the three problems, but for hours I could receive no direction. Like a shoe with no foot, I was getting nowhere.

05 October 2009

Opium: Then and Now

As you faithful know, I love to write. I recently entered a Victorian Art Essay Contest put on by the Brigham Young University Museum of Art. I was informed today that my entry was selected as one of the top three submitted. It will be published in The Daily Universe as well as the Museum of Art's InSite magazine. If you would like to come to the awards ceremony it will be at the Museum Auditorium at 7:00pm on Thursday, October 8th 2009 at the MOA on the BYU campus. I will find out if I got first, second, or third place at that time. I would appreciate all the support I can get! I have attached my essay below so that you may judge its content for yourself. Enjoy, and indulge on more...
Opium: Then and Now

Opaque and plethoric, the opium smoke gently caresses the lips of the pipe while it spills out. The user exhales methodically; the drug massages his cranial nerves and belittles his patriarchal responsibilities. His actions mock the crying child beside him. As whimpers turn to sobs the haze envelopes and agitates the baby’s eyes and pulmonary reflexes. Everything is calm. The inception of the savage addiction has already begun- before the stripling has even spoken her first word. With opium users sitting in putridity in present day Afghanistan, the popularity of opium is easy to observe.*

04 October 2009

The Terrorism Threat, Pride, and a Korean Movie

Some brief reviews of campus lectures and events I have immersed myself in during the past week:
Tuesday (9/29/09): Kim Clark, President of BYU-Idaho spoke to the BYU-Provo student body about pride. I erroneously figured the devotional was going to be on lions in the Serengeti (lions travel in groups called prides, sort of like sixteen year old boys). I was hoping for some "Madagascar" or "Lion King" clips, but alas, he was refering to a different type of pride. Notwithstanding, it was moving and his deprecating views on pride were far from nominal. Holla Holla Holla Hi
Wednesday (9/30/09): "The Crossing" at the international cinema. What a Korean movie! I cried; I smiled; I became confused; I ate popcorn; I learned Korean, Mandarin, and Mongolian. It was a stellar film that really puts a vice on your heart. No hard-heartendness could withstand this plot. The acting was Oscar worthy (I'm not making a reference to Oscar the Grouch, although I have been impressed with his acting of late) and the plot gave me what I consider a peephole view into the bifurcation of Korea. It may not have had Seoul, but it sure had Soul.  Holla Holla Holla Holla

01 October 2009

October 1st 2009

October 1st has arrived, and as you can see (judging that you are not reading this in Braille), David’s Holla Atchya Blog has undergone some visually appealing changes. Yes, this is the surprise that you have been waiting on pins and needles antcipating. There are some things you should know about the new blog make-over, and some things you shouldn’t. (Actually, it’s a pretty open blog so you can know whatever you want about it. Just give me a Holla if you have a question.) In order to better facilitate your enjoyment of the new layout, I will explain some things that you may not have noticed about the Blog, due to their internal and highly secretive nature.
1. The façade has changed. This new template should make you so happy you want to pee your pants like a little puppy when he sees a dried, salted pig ear. The white on black was causing severe dementia from most of my readers, forcing them to leave comments such as “Please change the color scheme on your blog before I operate heavy machinery!” which I had reason to delete due to their graphic content.
2. The picture of me has been updated in order to be less current. The previous photo was from July 2009, the current one is from July 2008. I am pulling a Benjamin Button.
3. The blog links have been rejuvenated in order to more accurately represent active posts. Some people choose to only write when they have babies; those people have been eliminated. If you are offended that your link was deleted, either stop having kids or blog more often (hopefully the latter).
4. Some people requested shorter posts. But then my good writing friend told me not to conform to what others want because then it won’t be my writing. I have found a brilliant compromise. From now on, if a post is getting on with life, I will add a “Indulge on more…” link. This allows the beginning of the post to be available, and then and only then if you are interested you can read more. Otherwise, stop when you come to “Indulge on more…”