Saturday, April 29th 2012, was a good day for me. I recently acquired some extra money thanks to a tax refund and I decided to do my decennary clothes shopping trip. I buy clothes about as often as Titanic is released in theaters. When I see Kate Winslet on a floating door I know it's time to visit the mall. Ten years ago I was 16, garnished with a license, and ready for independence. As such, I went shopping on my own and learned that my style sense is somewhere between an Amish minister and Lady Gaga. This time around, in my mid twenties, I decided to narrow that sense down a little with the help of a trusted friend, Ophelia Payne. That's not her real name, but it was her real sentiment in regards to my wardrobe. Ophelia was kind enough to dedicate her Saturday evening to my case (you could call it a cause, but truthfully I am more of a case). We began at H&M, which I learned is not a food store specializing in ham. That's probably why I'd never been in one before. H&M was crowded with all sorts of people, none of whom looked European. We spent well over an hour in Hennes and Mauritz and found four lovely shirts- two for work and two for play. We didn't buy any pants because I don't possess Flamingo legs which, apparently, is a prerequisite to fit into any of their trousers. I brought several into the dressing room, and succinctly failed at even getting one leg into all by one pair. Once on, Ophelia agreed that I looked more like a Civil War era soldier with his long johns on than an Occupy Protestor (ie- the ultimate hipster).
Our next stop was the escalator, which provided some nice downtime (HollaAtchya! original), and then it was off to Banana Republic. One look at the $250 blazer was enough to remind me that I didn't even pay that much in state tax, effectively knocking out the idea of spending my state tax refund on this Latin American clothier.
Gap left nothing but a chasm in my desires, a divide I could not cross. I was tempted to bridge my wallet with my brain, but alas, the gorge was too much. I left Gap agape.
So off the the Old Navy! The Old Navy has more variety than the new one, but still specializes in navy blue seasuits. I am pleased to report that the employees of the Old Navy have much cleaner language than the New Navy seamen and seamstresses I've been around. At this fine nautical establishment Ophelia and I found one pair of short shorts that are bearable on a man such as I.
By this point it was late into the night and the mall was closing. The middle school patrons were all at home, peacefully listening to One Direction lull them to sleep. Ms. Payne, and I however, were not done. Off to Target!
Target is always on target when it comes to clothes. And electronics. And household items. And cookingware. I can pretty much buy anything at Target except for CDs. Why? Because you can't buy CDs anywhere any more. It's a shame and the CD player in Beyonce is getting very lonely. I tried shoving a piece of mail in the CD player but it just wasn't the same. Beyonce spat it back out like her hubby spits rhymes on the mic. Anyway, I got another pair of shorts at Target and a nice blazer. I'm not sure yet how to wear the blazer, but I think I'll be able to pull it off with the right pair of jeans.
Next decade when Titanic is released again (this time in 4-D where they actually flood the theater with ocean water) I will certainly take a fashion forward friend like Ophelia with me. She was of the utmost help.
PS- I just read in the Washington Post that when LeBron and Chris Bosh came to DC to play the Wizards, they partied at Josephine. Woot woot.