11 November 2012

My First Nephew

My Sister is having a baby this week. Yep, a real, live human baby boy. She and her husband have decided to keep the name more secretive than a nuclear code soaked in beet juice being guarded by a moose-riding-Chuck-Norris, so don't ask that question of me. As I've begun pondering what it will be like once Felix the Fetus arrives- my first nephew- I've had to do some real soul searching about my responsibilities. During the birthing I know I will be primarily responsible for updating Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Four Square; My account ("It's a boy!"), my sister's account ("GET ME A COKE!"), the hospital's account (Cutest baby in hospital's history born today!"), the OB/GYNs account ("I wish I'd checked pizzas instead of babies on the application question 'When I grow up I want to deliver _______'"), and Neff the Newborn's account ("DC? I could have sworn I requested Washington STATE."). On second thought, I think I just fulfilled those responsibilities. It's after Felix arrives that I'm worried about my heavy but delightful burden.
First off, I know I will be in charge of his motorcycling education. I just know it. I haven't officially been asked about it yet, but since neither my sister nor her husband ride I can just sense they want to ask me to rear their first-born in the ways of motoring. I don't know what's taken them so long to ask me (I bet they're nervous) but I have a feeling it will be sometime before Thanksgiving.
In anticipation of the invitation I have started a training plan. I've already built a car seat that can attach to the back of Stella using a very complex system made entirely of rubber bands and dominoes. In a word, it's brilliant. In two words, it's insanely brilliant. If you give me three, they'd be powercord, insanely, brilliant. I will take Burt the baby for long, windy, rides on the back of Stella so he gets a feel for the wind on his binkey. Once his gets a little bigger I rigged a mechanism wherein he will ride on the handlebars of Stella, attached exclusively by recycled lanyards and bic pen caps. As he progresses in size we will move him up to the side car. Once his little legs are long enough to reach the gear shift (this is moved by the left foot) I will put him in the Moby Wrap strapped to my left leg and offer him the chance to determine what gear we are riding in. This would be a big responsibility and one that I would never allow him to operate until he is at least 19 months old.
When Turk the Tween is old enough to illegally drive a motorcycle I will let him drive mine. This time I will have to contort my body into the rubber band/domino apparatus and our roles will be reversed. Just like a roll baking in the oven, they will need to be flipped. Similar to turning the attendance roll over at a school, so will be our states. We will analogously be as if we were on fire-stopping, dropping and then rolling, but with an emphasis on step 3 of 3. To prepare my body to fit into a device made for a newborn I play Twister online every night before flossing, eating dinner, brushing, and eating six Snickers, in that order. A routine is how I stay in shape. Twister online is a whole different game than the Twister I grew up with. But back to Tsek the Teen. When Tsek is old enough to drive an airplane, we will procure a motorcycle for him. And then my training will be complete.
I am really excited to have nephew. I'm more excited to have a wife, but for now a nephew is good. And a shoutout to my Sister and her husband- If you need a name, please see above for several suggestions.

1 comment:

Emily J said...

You are hilarious, in addition to being a wonderful uncle.