A friend of mine at work is the varsity baseball coach for a local high school and he invited me to apply for the job as an assistant coach. Wait- lower your expectation a little before you read on. The position is not to work with the varsity team. Wait- lower your expectation a little more. The position is not to be coach of the JV team. Okay, now that the expectations limbo has been sufficiently maintained, I will reveal that I'm applying for the position of JV assistant coach. And frankly that's just what I want. I have a feeling the the interview will go something like this:
Them: "Mr. Bennett, what type of baseball coaching experience do you have?"
Me: "I run the Math Counts team at my school! We got Most Improved last year!"
Them: "Interesting. How about in athletics. What experience do you have coaching athletics?"
Me: "Well, one time a student of mine didn't know how to do two-step equations, so I helped him after school! He totally nailed it on the test!"
Them: "Okay, you sound like a great math teacher. But let's get back to athletics. Your coaching experience sounds a little thin. Have you ever even offered advice to an athlete before?"
Me: "Oh yes, sir! All the time. At least two of my students are on the wrestling team and I often inform them that they have puss coming out of their ears."
Them: "That's just disgusting Mr. Bennett. Please don't ever say that out loud again. I think we're done discussing your coaching history. Let's move on to your playing career. Tell us about your playing experience."
Me: "When I was in 3rd grade I played a farmer in our school play and although I didn't have a speaking part, I did get to play my trumpet in two separate scenes!"
Them: "Well, you certainly have eclectic tastes. But back to baseball. When did you last play competitive baseball?
Me: "Does skiing count?"
Me: "Then I'd have to say last week."
Them: "Oh? Really? Well that's great! What league were you playing in?"
Me: "I don't exactly remember the league, but the level was Moo Moo Meadows."
Them: "Mr. Bennett, you do realize that's an arena on Mario Kart, don't you? That has nothing to do with baseball."
Me: "I'm sorry, I must have misunderstood you. Could you please repeat the question?"
Them: "Do you know what this is?" (Holding up a baseball)
Me: "Does it light up?"
Them: "No. It does not."
Me: "Well then it's definitely not my first guess, which was a new form of Latvian currency. I guess I'll go with my second guess: A new product for our purses?"
Them: "You make absolutely no sense. What purses are you talking about?"
Me: "Wait a second. This isn't the interview for manager at the Coach store is it..."
All joking aside, I do need to brush up a little on my coaching skills. I really hope they aren't assuming I played in the MLB... or in college... or high school... or in little league... or anything like that. I stopped by the library and picked up some books on coaching baseball after work on Monday. I've been reading them ferociously, but astonishingly none of the books have a chapter on "Passing a Coaching Interview When You Have No Coaching or Playing Experience." C'mon publishers.
|It was really fun staging this photo shoot.|
Do you have any advice for me in my interview? At the very least please pray for me to do well. If you're not the praying type then please wish upon a shooting star or lucky number that my testosterone-inducing beard will overpower my experience deficiencies in the face of my interviewers.