08 January 2013

How to Succeed in a Job Interview

Generally it's a good idea to only write publicly about a job interview after you've gotten the job, in case the alternative happens (the alternative- naturally- being that you get eaten by land-dwelling tuna and can't write about it after-the-fact). But I'm not really the most conventional writer and certainly not when it comes to blogging, so here goes: I have a job interview on Thursday. At this point my boss (who doesn't even know I have a blog) just gasped as she Googled "Holla Atchya David!" and this post popped up and she read that I'm applying elsewhere. But fear not: the job for which I am applying is not a teaching job. It will not require me to terminate my current employment (hear that ladies? I'm employed) or even alter my current schedule. At this point she is thinking I'm probably a sushi chef, and you're thinking the ostensible truth has to be I'm applying to be a woodsman. But you would both be wrong. My interview is for a baseball coaching position.
A friend of mine at work is the varsity baseball coach for a local high school and he invited me to apply for the job as an assistant coach. Wait- lower your expectation a little before you read on. The position is not to work with the varsity team. Wait- lower your expectation a little more. The position is not to be coach of the JV team. Okay, now that the expectations limbo has been sufficiently maintained, I will reveal that I'm applying for the position of JV assistant coach. And frankly that's just what I want. I have a feeling the the interview will go something like this:

Them: "Mr. Bennett, what type of baseball coaching experience do you have?"
Me: "I run the Math Counts team at my school! We got Most Improved last year!"
Them: "Interesting. How about in athletics. What experience do you have coaching athletics?"
Me: "Well, one time a student of mine didn't know how to do two-step equations, so I helped him after school! He totally nailed it on the test!"
Them: "Okay, you sound like a great math teacher. But let's get back to athletics. Your coaching experience sounds a little thin. Have you ever even offered advice to an athlete before?"
Me: "Oh yes, sir! All the time. At least two of my students are on the wrestling team and I often inform them that they have puss coming out of their ears."
Them: "That's just disgusting Mr. Bennett. Please don't ever say that out loud again. I think we're done discussing your coaching history. Let's move on to your playing career. Tell us about your playing experience."
Me: "When I was in 3rd grade I played a farmer in our school play and although I didn't have a speaking part, I did get to play my trumpet in two separate scenes!"
Them: "Well, you certainly have eclectic tastes. But back to baseball. When did you last play competitive baseball?
Me: "Does skiing count?"
Them: "No."
Me: "Then I'd have to say last week."
Them: "Oh? Really? Well that's great! What league were you playing in?"
Me: "I don't exactly remember the league, but the level was Moo Moo Meadows."
Them: "Mr. Bennett, you do realize that's an arena on Mario Kart, don't you? That has nothing to do with baseball."
Me: "I'm sorry, I must have misunderstood you. Could you please repeat the question?"
Them: "Do you know what this is?" (Holding up a baseball)
Me: "Does it light up?"
Them: "No. It does not."
Me: "Well then it's definitely not my first guess, which was a new  form of Latvian currency. I guess I'll go with my second guess: A new product for our purses?"
Them: "You make absolutely no sense. What purses are you talking about?"
Me: "Wait a second. This isn't the interview for manager at the Coach store is it..."

All joking aside, I do need to brush up a little on my coaching skills. I really hope they aren't assuming I played in the MLB... or in college... or high school... or in little league... or anything like that. I stopped by the library and picked up some books on coaching baseball after work on Monday. I've been reading them ferociously, but astonishingly none of the books have a chapter on "Passing a Coaching Interview When You Have No Coaching or Playing Experience." C'mon publishers.
It was really fun staging this photo shoot.
As I've been studying up for my big interview I've felt like I'm getting ready for the MCAT or something. There's so much information about everything in these books and I've really been cramming hardcore, with bits of blogging, movies, shopping and school mixed in with all the studying. I've got flashcards, concept webs, and baseball cards.
Do you have any advice for me in my interview? At the very least please pray for me to do well. If you're not the praying type then please wish upon a shooting star or lucky number that my testosterone-inducing beard will overpower my experience deficiencies in the face of my interviewers.


Cat said...

Love to see the humor. I hope you got the job!

Mckell said...

will you be keeping your current job as well?
As for advice I think you should find out the interviewer's favorite baseball team and wear a baseball cap and shirt with their logo. And mention that team in every sentence. That way he'll know you're dedicated and perfect for the job.