This week marked the first heat wave of the 2009 Summer in Boston. I can verify firsthand that it is pretty hot outside. Hotter than two grizzly bears having a sprinting race while on fire (and chewing jalapenos). Hotter than hot chocolate wrapped in a down-comforter, in a kiln. Hotter than Giesele Bundchen having hot flashes in a cashmere sweater, on the equator. Yes, it really is that hot.
The great thing about heat waves in Boston is that not only do you have mercury rising absurdly, but you should also expect to be stuck to just about anything you come within six yards of, on account of the humidity. Everything is so sticky and wet that human encounters can get awkward and you may need to pack your squeegee in your purse to wipe the sweat off your face; even if you have a small, cute face. Just yesterday in the stultifying sun I was seeking solace under a parked Mack truck, and found fourteen other well-mannered humans also temporarily lodging under the oversized truck in an effort to escape the sun. Unfortunately, due to the humidity, they were all stuck together under there, like prisoners awaiting execution. There wasn’t any room for me, and plus someone called them in thinking they were illegal immigrants being trafficked (wouldn’t you think the same if you saw fourteen people huddled together under a truck?). Consequently, I chose a different location for my shade. It’s hard to come by, but I found some next to a lamppost. I had to suck in real tight and shuffle slowly along as the sun rose and the shade moved, but to escape the heat wave it was worth it. I will say it made for a slow afternoon, though.
The term ‘heat wave’ seems so endearing, like a cool ocean wave lapping between your toes in the warm, sauna-like sun. To all you Minnesotans and non-English speaking Canadians, it’s a deceitful lie! Don’t ever, ever, associate the words ‘heat wave’ with ‘lapping’ or ‘cool’ or ‘toes.’ If I were the president of the National Association of Temperature Naming Committees of North America I would not use such friendly terms to describe the death days described by consecutive afternoons of 90°F temperatures. I would prefer a term more along the lines of ‘Crippling, Crusty, Cycles’ or ‘So Hot You Wish You Were An Emperor Penguin in Antarctica.’ I realize that term is a little bit longer than the others approved by the NANCNM but I still find it significantly more accurate than ‘heat wave.’
Luckily, after much thought and after having lost some brain cells (they melted), I have come up with the solution to Boston’s current So Hot You Wish You Were An Emperor Penguin in Antarctica. My solution is twofold: 1.) Ice cream 2.) Eliminate cats
Ice cream solves everything. It doesn’t have anything to do with a frozen treat on a simmering day; it could fix a cold spell as well. Now, the elimination of cats is so obvious I’m surprised my affiliates in the NANCNM haven’t thought of it before. For starters, cats breathe a lot, and they breathe hot air. We just can’t deal with that under these circumstances. Secondly, cats have a lot of fur. That encourages heat. Thirdly, cats love to lie in the sun, and hence without them there would be less sun and ergo cooler temperatures. Something tells me PETA would take issue with my twofold solution, but maybe if we could somehow turn cats into ice cream, they would settle for it. If you want to come visit Boston please do, just be aware that we can’t have a welcoming hug because we would never be able to separate after that. Physically, literally.