25 October 2009

If I Were the President of BYU-Provo

If I were the President of Brigham Young University-Provo, I would make the following changes:
5.) Rename 'Cosmo.' He is a rapacious feline, don't get me wrong, but his name must be changed. If BYU's mascot was an astronaut or a martian, Cosmo would be fitting. As it stands, Cosmo needs to legally alter his name to something like 'Shipbuilder' or 'Hairy One.' Those are the names that will strike fear in the hearts of his opponents the world over. If people complain, just pretend he got married and now goes by his wife's surname.
4.) Abolish Jamba Juice on campus. People are obsessed with Jamba Juice and it's affecting their health significantly, both physically and mentally. They say to themselves, "I'll just eat this 64oz. fruit smoothie for breakfast. It has enough sugar to make a martyr out of a diabetic or a corpse out of a really big bear, but I'm sure it's healthy because it has wheatgrass in it. Horses eat wheat and grass, and they are big and strong, so it must be equivalent to spinach!" Hence the demise of mental health. I don't like Jamba Juice.
3.) Set up a meals-for-cable program. I would gladly invite a random freshman over for an hour of my non-BYU cable if they fed me at the Cannon Center (we have the Food Network and the Travel Channel!). Heck, I'd pretty much do anything for a meal at the Cannon Center including tutoring, doing the Hokey-Pokey, or feeding fish to alligators, if the situation arose.
2.) Expand the music collection in the music room of the testing center. If I have to listen to the 'Seminary Soundtrack' one more time while taking a test, I'm going to light my exam on fire (with my eyes, nonetheless) and cram it in the antiquated CD player as it musically interprets Nephite coinage. And then I will obfuscate the 'Repeat' button so that when I take a four hour test I don't hear the same CD four times.
1.) Stop all Church meetings taking place in the practice rooms of the Harris Fine Arts Center (and move them elsewhere). I'd rather have Church in a tent, like Isaiah, than on the cement chairs of the windowless HFAC basement. The rooms are soundproof, childproof, windowproof, and surrounded by ominous instrument lockers that give the room a feeling of musical captivity. The podium is a wooden pier that tilts to the side when the speakers get up to talk and the Bishop's office has make-up busts in it that are quite freaky. 
While I am very satisfied with my BYU education, there is always room for improvement. If you went to BYU, what would you change?


Lauren Palmer said...

I would totally change the dress code so that you could wear pajama pants in the dining halls. When I was a freshman, I hated changing before breakfast!

Megan said...

Our freshman ward was the only one I have attended on campus so, thankfully, I have never had to wander into the abyss of the HFAC basement other than when I have performed in the DeJong. One thing I would change: beards for men (most definitely not for women). I love me a good beard. One thing I would certainly not change: the warning signs at the south end of campus that protect unsuspecting nocturnal walkers of muggers, rapists, survey takers, etc. by ending with the ever ominous "...".

Cat said...

I would elect you president. Just saying. And I would DEFINITELY allow beards. That Megan has it right. And I'd give students free bus passes. And lots of other things, I'm sure.

Becky said...

Funny, funny post...I didn't know there was so much to change, but those are definitely worthy changes and I'm glad you've been thorough. I would have a flower free-for-all whenever the campus flowers are switched over...I hear they just throw perfectly decent flowers in dumpsters and I'm sure that the thrifty BYU boys would love a couple bunches of pansies to doorbell ditch on their ladys' porches, roots and all...

Abby Marie said...

When I first skimmed Becky's comment I thought she was saying that BYU boys are a bunch of pansies. While that is probably true, I would change the no beard rule. I think beards are so handsome.