23 November 2009

Africa and "Going Rogue"

 One of my favorite websites is The Onion. The Onion is a comical news site that is well known for humorous headlines that generally don't make any sense. I would love to one day write for The Onion. Below are some of the news headlines I thought up, in the spirit of comedy. Let me know if you think they are good. If you are just befuddled, go to their website to get an idea of what's going on here.

World News: "African Union Calls for a Return to Pangea."
Morgan Tsvangiri, the Prime Minister of Zimbabwe, called on world leaders this week to return to the days of Pangea, citing 'all would benefit, and especially Africa.' Frustrated with his country's 1,000% inflation rate and history of corruption, Tsvangiri recalled the ancient days when Africa was nestled safely in the Gulf of Mexico, comfortable under America's wing. 'Those are the days we wish for our future!' he hailed. Other members of the African Union were less excited about the idea. Mwai Kibaki of Namibia scolded Tsvangiri, claiming, 'First we give the United States their President, and now you want to just roll over like a hyena and give ourselves up to them? Never! We are an independent continent!' This news is certianly causing a stir in America as well. Political analyst Benjamin Stott of the Washington D.C. thinktank, "Think Tank," says Africa would have a difficult time making its way across the Atlantic Ocean: 'I don't know how they would move that large of a landmass across an ocean. Call me a nay-sayer, but I just don't think it can be done.' Tsvangiri says his plans have not been formalized yet, but internet leaks point to him harnessing whale power and using 'very, very strong cords.'

Political News: "Palin: I meant 'Going Rough,' not 'Going Rogue.'"
In what appears to be the biggest misprint since 'Common Sense' was released, the title of Sarah Palin's autobiography, 'Going Rogue' was actually meant to say 'Going Rough,' according to HarperCollins.
HarperCollins, Palin's publisher, expressed deep regret for not catching the error earlier. 'We are very embarrassed by this action. We are cutting out our chief editor's compensation by at least .12% this year.' Palin, in her usual Alaskan accent, told reporters, 'To be honest I'm not even actually sure what 'rogue' means.' From the deck of their Alaskan sea vessel, her husband chimed in, 'She meant 'going rough,' as in what it feels like to live in Alaska. It's so rough up here they pay us to just to be alive! What is a rogue anyway?' HaperCollins says they have no plans to recall the book, but they did ask that out of respect for Mrs. Palin all consumers cross out 'Rogue' and replace it with 'Rough' using a thick tip permanent marker.

4 comments:

Megan said...

I love The Onion and could definitely imagine you filling it's pages (printed and web) with your wit. I especially loved the Pangea article you wrote. Everyone would benefit, indeed.

Becky said...

It sounds like you'd be the perfect writer for them since you know current events, politics, and mockery/sarcasm very well!

Jessica Sorenson said...

Haha. I'm not an Onion reader, but that sounds good to me!

Kent said...

When I first saw those piles of books at Costco I thought it said "rouge" (as in lipstick). At least it makes more sense to me that way.