20 February 2012

New Toothbrush

For Christmas I asked for something that no one should, could, or would want in their stocking: an electric toothbrush. No one but me- and members of the FDA- that is. But alas, I got a Bahamian cruise instead. Ineffably heartbroken that I had to spend four days in the Caribbean with my family instead of years of clean teeth, I did the only thing one can do in this situation- I asked for an electric toothbrush for my February birthday. February is the best month for a birthday; like a clean-up batter clearing house in baseball, a February birthday can totally clean up house for all the gifts you never got or even thought of in December.
Anyway, for my birthday I finally received the Sonicare toothbrush I had been dreaming of since I heard the words "You should get an electric toothbrush."
Admittedly, the toothbrush is intimidating, like a first date with the granddaughter of the late Kim Jong Il. It took me two weeks just to open the package because I was so scared of the assembly required. It then took me another evening of staring at the plastic casing to figure out how to open it. (I ended up sending a fusillade of scissor cuts bombinating across the packaging.  I sensed the wraith of a UPS man cringing in his truck around the corner.) It's been almost two weeks since my birthday and I still haven't tried the toothbrush. I finally acquiesced and assembled the toothbrush to the point where I can charge it, but that's as far as I've come. Every time I look at the toothbrush there on the corner of my countertop I have a histrionic phantasmagoria filled with images including stodgy toothpaste getting splattered all over my face and mirror. When the green light stopped flashing- indicating the charging process was complete- I gave a slight titter, not exactly sure if I should be execrated at the news or ecstatic; at this time I don't remember the specific emotion that followed, all I remember was being enervated at the lurid cessation of green.
People have done nothing but speak good things about these toothbrushes, so I probably don't have anything to fear. Even still, I've been taking soporifics at night just to get some sleep because the thought of sticking a whirring, enigmatic, brush into my mouth for two whole minutes is enough to keep the dearest of boyfriends awake during Twilight.
If you've had success with these machines please let me know; if you've had a more plaintive experience, please write a song about it and submit it to Adele.

3 comments:

Michelle said...

Dave,

Use the toothbrush.

- Your dental hygienist friend.

Anonymous said...

Watch out. It is wierd at first. But then you get used to it. Kind of like riding a motorcycle:-)
Leo

Emilie said...

You will love it! Put it in the side of your cheek before you turn it on to avoid toothpaste splattering. Also, don't let the back of it lean on your teeth... it feels like someone is scratching on a chalkboard... in your head. Not pleasant, but easily avoidable. I got one for my birthday (also in February) about 2 years ago and I will not go back! Everyday feels like you went for a cleaning at the dentist's office. Enjoy!