The Gym

For the past three months I have decided I want to be in the best physical shape of my life. After much deliberation I have decided that shape is an octagon. They're simple, easy to draw, and have the same number of sides as my favorite number. Frankly I'm having a hard time thinking of any reason I wouldn't want to be octagonal. But, God had a different plan for me, so here I am in a human shape.  

I have three beach vacations including a honeymoon this Summer and I want to look my best. Another reason for my sudden gym habits is that I got a gym membership. I have noticed a direct, very strong positive correlation between having a gym membership and visiting a gym. I don't know if this could be considered ironic or not, but when I didn't have a membership I went exactly zero times.

There are a lot of ways to work out. There are a lot of ways to work in too. They are not the same, however. When I Googled 'Work-in' the following picture showed up. That is very different from what I have been doing for the past three months. Working out requires similar apparel, but different in one key area: color. My suit has been red, not white. Entirely different. I have no idea what those people are doing in their white suits and I'm questioning if they really are working in or not. But back to working out. The gym is full of interesting characters. There's David, who works out in a wife beater. Everyone wonders why he doesn't just put a dang shirt on. Then there's Daved, who only wants to use a machine while someone is currently using it. He always says weird things like "Hey, is that a 50lb dumbell in your left hand there? Yea, I didn't see it over on the rack. You aren't using it are you? Thanks" as he rips it out of your clenched hand mid repetition.

By far the weirdest guy at the gym is Davad. Even the way he spells his name is whack. Davad seems like a nice guy except that he's always watching cartoons on the television. It's definitely not normal for a man of 28 or however old he is. One time I even asked him, "Excuse me sir, do you mind if I put the baseball game on?" and he told me as soon as "Pony Adventure Time with Nelly" was over we could. I was appeased at this until I learned that it was a "Pony Adventure Time with Nelly" marathon without commercial breaks. For a full hour I had to endure watching animated Nelly braid a horse tail using chop sticks. 

One of the more friendly regulars at the gym is Dave. Dave's a good guy, but he doesn't stop talking. On Monday he came up to me and asked how my weekend was. I told him it was good. He then launched into a 45 minute speech about how he tried to host a barbecue on Saturday but he was out of catsup so he asked his neighbor for some but his neighbor thought he said 'catnip' and brought some of the latter to the barbecue. By telling me this story he effectively launched himself into a one-sided debate about wet and dry cat food, neither of which I have any interest in, even when I'm not working out. Every time I tried to leave to use a machine he would follow me and ask questions like "Do you prefer tuna in oil or tuna in water for a hypoallergenic cat?"

And then there's Devid. Devid is the grunter. Seriously, if you thought the Williams sisters were bad, you should hear Devid. He doesn't even need to be doing anything strenuous to grunt. He grunts while he gets a drink of water, which usually results in "Say it don't spray it" situation. Devid grunts when he walks into the gym. He grunts when he says "Hi" to me. He grunts when he writes his lifting numbers down. And he grunts when he looks up at the clock. Devid also likes to workout by lifting large boulders and throwing them. Devid is a caveman. 

And finally there's Dived. I think his name might actually be David, but he's British and when he says his name it sounds like Dived. Dived is a fun guy to have at the gym, except that I don't think he knows the difference between a weightlifting gym and a basketball gym. Dived brings his basketball to the weightlifting gym every day and dribbles it around. Several people have asked him to please stop but he says "This is America right? Free country! I think I'm allowed to play basketball in a gym!" He slam dunks on the pull up bar, even while others are using it. He posts up against the weight rack, even though it never tries to block his shot. His worst offense, however, is when he tries to call out captains to make teams. I can't even tell you how many times I've had to tell him that I'm in there to lift weights, not play basketball. Crazy Brit.