When I am President, there are two major acts of legislature that will be on my agenda. The first, of less imminence and import then the second, is to convert the United States over to the metric system. Why do we need to use different measurements then the rest of the world? Converting units and measurement is ineffective, costly, and entirely unnecessary. A pound is a unit of weight in America, and in Great Britain it is a unit of currency. Go figure. If I say I am 162 pounds, would you think I was for sale? You would if I were a Briton. A meter (or 'metre') is a unit of length internationally, and in the USA it is a little device that demands quarters before it will allow you to park in front of it. Feisty. The International Organization for Standardization is located in Switzerland, and I think it's about time America sent a representative over there and signed us up. When I am President, you'd better believe it's going to happen.
Now, onto more significant law. The other major issue weighing heavily on my mind is this: Women over 60 in bikinis. It must stop. I pre-emptively propose, as President, that there be a law against women over 60 in two-pieces. Think what a better world it would be! Now, this is a lot easier said then done. It will require Lifeguards to become law enforcement officers, and they will need some form of enforcing this law. There was a storm in my brain, and here's what I came up with in terms of ideas for enforcement: nightsticks, miniature surfboards for paddling, and harpoons. Seaweed handcuffs could also work. Keep in mind that I am being very generous with the 60 age limit as it is; if the law didn't have to go through Congress and the Senate I would set the limit at 45. This will require a complete overhaul of our national beaches, including ID-ing questionable specimen, and a major crackdown on fake IDs created by sexagenaraians. The underground market for two-pieces aimed at over sixty-ites will not take long to develop, which is why I am asking you to help me now. Now is the time to be bold with your grandmother when she comes downstairs, on her way to the beach, and asks, "How do I look?" America, you must start now, and tell her, "Grandma! That ain't right!" Bennett '32!