Well, that eventful time of each semester has come. It approaches gradually, like a trickling leak in your ceiling that you pay no heed to until its expulsive power crashes onto the crown of your head while you are washing spaghetti sauce off your nicest china. Do you know what eventful time I am speaking of? Getting a haircut!
Since the Bon Lose It School of Comedians went out of business and the last Paul Mitchell employee refused to use a buzzer even though I asked her to (I think she was scared of power tools), it became my task to find a new hair school for my grooming. Lucky for me, I live in Provo, Utah where the ratio of hair schools to bad moustaches is directly proportional. [Sidenote: The British spelling of 'moustaches' is undeniably under used, understand?] It didn't take long to find the digits for the Dallas Roberts Academy.
I had high expectations for the Dallas Roberts Academy- thoughts bombinated in my head of a beautiful campus, delicate, brick arches, ivy crawling up my barber's chair, and professors in bowties and argyle sweater vests instructing my hair dresser while horses galloped in the pasture out back. As you'd have it, academy is a latitudinous word. There was a brick arch, but most of the bricks were not present or accounted for; in their place were curvaceous cracks containing chalky caulk covered coyly. The professors were more akin to librarians with striped sweaters (major letdown) and there was not a single male on the entire campus (besides myself); ergo, bowties were negligently amiss. I was the only one at the whole school getting a haircut, a uniquity I would rather not possess. However, there were some young lady costumers getting their hair 'beer rinsed.' They had their heads cocked back in the sink like howling lobos while the hair dressers soaked their hair in Budweiser. It is supposed to make it 'fuller, richer, more protein-ous' and, if I might say so myself, rancid. Wasn't conditioner invented to make hair 'fuller, richer, more protein-ous' and smell like coconuts, strawberries or bacon? Isn't conditioner for hair, and beer for drinking? If I drank conditioner would it make my intestines 'silky, smooth' and 'full of life?' Answer (after two clinical studies and consulting with three doctors): No.
The Academy was one heck of a place, and conveniently right next door to the Ranchero Market, where you're sure to find any cow part you could ever imagine, including milk.