19 November 2009

The Dallas Roberts Academy

Well, that eventful time of each semester has come. It approaches gradually, like a trickling leak in your ceiling that you pay no heed to until its expulsive power crashes onto the crown of your head while you are washing spaghetti sauce off your nicest china. Do you know what eventful time I am speaking of? Getting a haircut!
Since the Bon Lose It School of Comedians went out of business and the last Paul Mitchell employee refused to use a buzzer even though I asked her to (I think she was scared of power tools), it became my task to find a new hair school for my grooming. Lucky for me, I live in Provo, Utah where the ratio of hair schools to bad moustaches is directly proportional. [Sidenote: The British spelling of 'moustaches' is undeniably under used, understand?] It didn't take long to find the digits for the Dallas Roberts Academy.
I had high expectations for the Dallas Roberts Academy- thoughts bombinated in my head of a beautiful campus, delicate, brick arches, ivy crawling up my barber's chair, and professors in bowties and argyle sweater vests instructing my hair dresser while horses galloped in the pasture out back. As you'd have it, academy is a latitudinous word. There was a brick arch, but most of the bricks were not present or accounted for; in their place were curvaceous cracks containing chalky caulk covered coyly. The professors were more akin to librarians with striped sweaters (major letdown) and there was not a single male on the entire campus (besides myself); ergo, bowties were negligently amiss. I was the only one at the whole school getting a haircut, a uniquity I would rather not possess. However, there were some young lady costumers getting their hair 'beer rinsed.' They had their heads cocked back in the sink like howling lobos while the hair dressers soaked their hair in Budweiser. It is supposed to make it 'fuller, richer, more protein-ous' and, if I might say so myself, rancid. Wasn't conditioner invented to make hair 'fuller, richer, more protein-ous' and smell like coconuts, strawberries or bacon? Isn't conditioner for hair, and beer for drinking? If I drank conditioner would  it make my intestines 'silky, smooth' and 'full of life?' Answer (after two clinical studies and consulting with three doctors): No.
The Academy was one heck of a place, and conveniently right next door to the Ranchero Market, where you're sure to find any cow part you could ever imagine, including milk.


Megan said...

The smell of beer is unpleasant, but it reminds of baseball games, so it makes me happy. Remember when I told you I have an amazing memory? Well here it comes. The first time I smelled beer was at my first San Diego Padres game when I was 10 years old. It was April 1, 1997, my family was living in Poway, CA, so it was the first time that we lived close to a Major League team. The Padres were playing the Mets, and the Padres blew them out of the water with 12 runs (The Padres?! That's right). I don't remember the Mets score, but it wasn't close. We were in the nosebleeds and the man behind me spilled his beer early on. I could smell the nastiness for the entire time. I will never forget that game. Oh nostalgia...

I loved the description of the environment of Dallas Roberts Academy, but how was the quality of the haircut? Did you get what you wanted, or did they cut off too much/made it uneven/dye your hair chartreuse?

I have always been intrigued by the prices advertised by Ranchero Market, but I am too afraid to go there. I like Smith's.

Comparing The Shining and Let the Right One In is like comparing hellish hotels and 12 year old vampire girls. In fact, it is exactly that. Let the Right One In is undeniably superior. I am home alone (excluding the sleeping babe), so thinking about those movies has made me a little anxious. Thanks for that. I hope I can sleep.

This comment is a bit excessive, so I apologize for that. I just had a lot to say.

Becky said...

another hilarious post, cuz

dani-yellie said...

Oh my, what an experiacne! Usually hair school smell of hair products, not like the floor of a bar (not that I would know, just guessing) Hope you got a decent haircut out of it though!