13 June 2012

Motorcycle Passengers

As you know from an earlier post, there are many different types of motorcycle riders. As it turns out, there are many different types of motorcycle passengers as well. Summer is here in DC and I have giving many rides on Stella to a variety of people. The only men I've ridden with are my relatives- my brother, my father, my uncle. When men ride on the back of my bike they do their best to stay as far away from me as possible. They lean against the backrest and choose to dangle their hands on the side of the bike, risking losing their digits in the wheels, than to hold on to my waist. I don't feel them and they don't touch me.
And then... there's the female variety.
I need to refrain from using names here in case any of my riders are also readers. The first type  is the non-nervous, perhaps experienced rider who casually steps onto the bike and acts like she owns the thing. She hangs on loosely to my shirt as more of a tease to me than anything else. Go ahead, show me what you got. I'll stay on even without holding on.
The next type is the passionate type. I don't mean to go all 50 Shades of Grey on you, but the passionate type caresses her hands all over your upper body as you ride through the streets at casual or blazing speeds. Sometimes she keeps one hand on your waist and the other on your pecs, sometimes she keeps both hands on your abs (or in my case, your pillow), sometimes she rests her hands on your thighs, and sometimes she just moves her hands all over your frontal thorax like she's waxing a car. The passionate type is also known to attempt to rest her head on your shoulders when you're on a leisurely ride. This is a very awkward thing. The motorcycle helmets I have are meant to be safe, not convenient. They are big. The closest skin can get to skin with these helmets on is roughly 2 feet. Imagine a chastity belt for your lips (and whole head) and this is what you get. So when a girl tries to rest her chin on your shoulder while you are riding there is no place for your head but to go cockeyed. Well, riding with your head in such a position that it looks like you have a cell phone between your ear and your shoulder is not cool for anyone. But, it still happens.
Yet another type is the scared stiff type. When she is a passenger it is physically impossible to choke on your gum because the Heimlich is being applied consistently and constantly for the duration of your ride, and sometimes after if she can't unstick herself from you when the bike turns off. The scared stiff passenger starts to scream for her life when you go above 30 mph and is known to shout directly into your ear, "SLOW DOWN. PLEASE!" Ahh, she's a great passenger.
I have been on some great rides already this year and I have no doubt they will continue. I sure love Stella.


Megan M said...

I feel embarrassed for the passionate rider. How awkward. I just hope it was someone you had gone on a date with or something to warrant something so, er, romantic.

Emily J said...

What kind of rider am I, Dave?:)

Cat said...

I chuckled out loud several times while reading this. Especially during the Passionate Rider description. But honestly, how can those girls contain themselves?
I'm also still jealous that you have a motorcycle.