11 December 2012

What Keeps Me Up At Night

I've had a lot of thoughts on my mind this Holiday season, and I need an outlet for them. I tried talking to one of my students who stayed after school for extra help, but he thought it was a little strange when I started crying to him before even opening my mouth. When I finally did begin telling him what was on my mind- through broken sobs- he didn't seem to know what to say. He ended up calling the guidance counselor from my classroom phone, which got a little embarrassing when she showed up and found me in a heap of tears on the floor while my student quietly finished his math homework in the corner facing the wall. Basically what I'm saying is that my students are not good outlets for my emotions and feelings. Once that was discovered I moved on to the phone teller at 1-800-CONTACTS. I kept expressing my problems to him but he only seemed interested in my vision, so I launched into an hour description of my life vision and goals, when all along it turned out he was inquiring about my vision in a significantly more literal sense that I had originally thought. I told him over and over again that my eyesight was fine and that I needed a listening ear. He recommended me to 1-800-EARBUDS, which I was disappointed to learn doesn't have a 24 hour line. Now that I've been rejected by two one-eight-hundred numbers and a student, I've turned to my blog to expose and reveal my heart. So what was on my mind that caused a river of salty tears in my classroom and some massive confusion at the 1-800-CONTACTS headquarters? The following:
Why has Phil Collins never recorded a Christmas album? I'm not sure if he is Christian or not (his Wikipedia page- which I wrote by the way- doesn't specify and his mother never returned my inquisitive telegram) but either way he should record one. His soothing voice is perfect for the season. Heck, I'd even settle for a Hanukkah album at this point. Just something, Phil, please, so I don't have to listen to Andy Williams anymore. When I brought this concern up to my student he apparently thought I had said "Fill coffins" and was terrified about the subject matter. I guess when I started crying and talking about filling coffins at Christmas time he got a little spooked. All of this was explained to me by the guidance counselor later on, so hopefully I still have my job. But Phil's not the only thing that's been on my mind recently.
What's up the the word 'down?' I mean really, we have some strange words of Latin origin, but read on and you'll see why I've been driven to calling phone tellers in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. If you ever want a good night's sleep again, stop reading. Down is a noun used to describe a type of feather used in many a couch, pillow, and 'comforter' (even though it does no comforting in this house). Down is also a word used to describe a syndrome that produces some really cute kids. And then down means below or underneath. I'm sorry, but what do those three have to do with each other? If I said "I'm laying down" would you think I was prostrated horizontally, sowing a room with feathers (much like you'd lay sod), or metaphorically putting my disability to rest? Would you think I was throwing feathers around a room while lying on my back in a calm, able position? You could reasonably assume I was doing all of the above and be perfectly accurate! And why does 'down' rhyme with 'noun' and 'towne' when they end differently, but not 'grown' and 'thrown' when they are practically spelled the same way?
Usually at this point in my insomnia I've given up trying to understand Phil Collin's religious persuasions and gotten myself so confused with the word 'down' that I need a Coke to calm me _____, and I'm just about ready to fall asleep when the same reoccurring thought peeps into my mind; as unwelcome and unwanted as      Weird Al Yankovich force feeding you Fiber nuggets as he crashes your annual President's Day massage.
The thought? Could U2 be to blame for the demise of the English language? Were they the first to shorten an entire word into a single letter, and then go so far as to abandon another meaningful word to a single digit? Was Bono the first texter? How could a band that has been so good for so long have so much against an entire language? I just don't understand and unless I get some answers soon I'll be filling my own coffin with questions still on my mind as I'm brought down to the ground wrapped in down.

1 comment:

Emily J said...

Where do you come up with this stuff? You are super creative.