Today I found myself with a plethora of time, and nothing to do but get shot. Ergo, I took advantage of the wonderful resources of a university- free H1N1 vaccinations for pregnant women! I had to stuff a pillow in my stomach, talk in a really high voice, and wear an all encompassing scarf/hat but I pulled it off. The only time anyone suspected anything was when I accidently checked myself as 'male.' I told them it was an abbreviation for 'female' and they seemed alright with that answer.
The inocculation comes in two forms (at least that they were willing to admit): a nasal spray and a shot. The EMT took one look at me and knew a shot would probably weaken my entire body for weeks- perhaps even crippling my cheek bones- and suggested the nasal spray. When I went to get my inhalation the nurse who administered to me was no older than twelve years of age. I think it may have been Take Your Daughter to Work Day, and she was the daughter. When she told me to tilt my head back so that she could shove an object up my nose I didn't know if it was going to be a crayon or the spray. I tried hard to get in a different queue (even though it meant waiting longer) but she signaled for me to join her and her barbies. I was worried she was going to accidently stick the nasal spray into my mouth or eye or ear or some other bodily cavity, like my belly button. My belly button does not go all the way though, and hence is not a cavity. I don't know how that got past the editor.
The spray felt like she had taken one of those small cooking torches made for toasting marshmallows and made it implode in my nose.That's a fatuous lie. It didn't hurt at all. I am brave. She gave me a sucker afterwards and said that since I was the only full grown student she had ever seen cry during the nasal spray, I could have two. I took cherry and green apple for Christmas and to fill my mind with good thoughts. The whole experience was innoxious, though I did find the pig pen in the corner a little tasteless.
07 December 2009
02 December 2009
Funny Headlines II: New York Knicks
The following is another headline that you won't see in your newspapers. A Holla Atchya! exclusive.
Sports News: "New York Knick: 'How Can We be Expected to Win Any Games When Our Macot is Old Fashioned Pants?'"
After beginning the 2009-2010 season with a dismal 4-15 record, head coach Mike D'Antoni is looking for answers. And he's getting them, although they may not be the ones he wants. 'How can we be expected to win any games when our mascot is old fashioned pants? I mean, maybe- and that's a big maybe- if our mascot was Apple Bottom Jeans or Uggz we would have a chance' offered Knicks' Center Eddy Curry. With a salary of over 10 million dollars, Curry should know what he's talking about. They don't pay that kind of money to unintelligent people. Larry Hughes, the starting forward, added 'Knickerbockers just don't intimidate people. The only team that's slightly apprehensive about coming to Madison Square Garden are the Clippers. At least we aren't named after fingernail scissors.' When asked if he knew that 'Knicks' referred not to the article of clothing, but to the Dutch settlers of New York, who later became known as Knicks, Hughes responded with 'Alls I know is I ain't Dutch!'
Sports News: "New York Knick: 'How Can We be Expected to Win Any Games When Our Macot is Old Fashioned Pants?'"
After beginning the 2009-2010 season with a dismal 4-15 record, head coach Mike D'Antoni is looking for answers. And he's getting them, although they may not be the ones he wants. 'How can we be expected to win any games when our mascot is old fashioned pants? I mean, maybe- and that's a big maybe- if our mascot was Apple Bottom Jeans or Uggz we would have a chance' offered Knicks' Center Eddy Curry. With a salary of over 10 million dollars, Curry should know what he's talking about. They don't pay that kind of money to unintelligent people. Larry Hughes, the starting forward, added 'Knickerbockers just don't intimidate people. The only team that's slightly apprehensive about coming to Madison Square Garden are the Clippers. At least we aren't named after fingernail scissors.' When asked if he knew that 'Knicks' referred not to the article of clothing, but to the Dutch settlers of New York, who later became known as Knicks, Hughes responded with 'Alls I know is I ain't Dutch!'
01 December 2009
Blood Mathematics
Yesterday I went to my teacher's office hours to receive assistance on my futile mathematics homework. When I walked into his office I needed an extra hand to get my junk out my trunk (translation: my homework out of my bag), and unfortunately I had left my robotic arm at home. Of all the days... Needing more limbs, I put my paper in my mouth while I occupied both my arms with other activities (juggling, doing the Macarena, high-fiving my teacher). When I pulled the paper out of my grill (translation: my mouth) it scathed my chops and gave me a wicked papercut right on my upper labrum (translation: lip). The timing was infalliable- as my teacher looked up to see what my query was, I began curdling blood from the mouth. With silent communication (not sign language, just a definitive look) he wondered why I was suddenly bleeding from the mouth, and if it was a sign of leprosy, Swine flu, foot and mouth disease, or some other degenerative disease like rabies or vampire-ism. I ventured to cover it up, but I could feel the blood coming as a squirrel runs to a nut. I just sucked it up and proceeded to ask my question (which, ironically, was on the red blood cell counts in squirrels)! My professor offered me an ace bandage, which I took as a sign that he wanted me to stop talking. I declined, and proceeded to drip blood all over his computer keyboard, granola bars, and class notes. We are now blood brothers, sealed with mathematics. Just like the Brothers Karamazov.
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