You might be in need of some life adjustments if you have ever experienced the following:
1.) You leave the country for two months without your cell-phone, and upon returning home you have only one message on your machine. Ironically, the message was one that you sent to yourself at the airport as you departed. It might (hypothetically of course) go like this, "Hey [insert arbitrary name here, like perhaps Wallace], it's Wallace from America. I hope you have a great time in Europe! I'll see you when you get back! Love, Wallace of the past."
2.) Your new favorite movie is about a 12 year old Swedish Vampire girl. Consequently, you are scared out of your wits of 12 year old Swedish girls, just in case they are bloodthirsty. Then, that fear extends to all 12 year old girls, and ultimately to all females.
3.) The majority of your texts come from www.dictionary.com, equipped with the Word of the Day.You get excited to see them, and anticipate their arrival daily.
4.) When faced with a breakfast television watching decision between a Beyonce music video and the Utah Education Network, you choose the Education Network. (I only stayed on UEN because it was describing an auspicious math lesson; otherwise Beyonce wins me over anytime. Heck, I even named my car after her!)
31 October 2009
25 October 2009
If I Were the President of BYU-Provo
If I were the President of Brigham Young University-Provo, I would make the following changes:
5.) Rename 'Cosmo.' He is a rapacious feline, don't get me wrong, but his name must be changed. If BYU's mascot was an astronaut or a martian, Cosmo would be fitting. As it stands, Cosmo needs to legally alter his name to something like 'Shipbuilder' or 'Hairy One.' Those are the names that will strike fear in the hearts of his opponents the world over. If people complain, just pretend he got married and now goes by his wife's surname.
4.) Abolish Jamba Juice on campus. People are obsessed with Jamba Juice and it's affecting their health significantly, both physically and mentally. They say to themselves, "I'll just eat this 64oz. fruit smoothie for breakfast. It has enough sugar to make a martyr out of a diabetic or a corpse out of a really big bear, but I'm sure it's healthy because it has wheatgrass in it. Horses eat wheat and grass, and they are big and strong, so it must be equivalent to spinach!" Hence the demise of mental health. I don't like Jamba Juice.
3.) Set up a meals-for-cable program. I would gladly invite a random freshman over for an hour of my non-BYU cable if they fed me at the Cannon Center (we have the Food Network and the Travel Channel!). Heck, I'd pretty much do anything for a meal at the Cannon Center including tutoring, doing the Hokey-Pokey, or feeding fish to alligators, if the situation arose.
2.) Expand the music collection in the music room of the testing center. If I have to listen to the 'Seminary Soundtrack' one more time while taking a test, I'm going to light my exam on fire (with my eyes, nonetheless) and cram it in the antiquated CD player as it musically interprets Nephite coinage. And then I will obfuscate the 'Repeat' button so that when I take a four hour test I don't hear the same CD four times.
1.) Stop all Church meetings taking place in the practice rooms of the Harris Fine Arts Center (and move them elsewhere). I'd rather have Church in a tent, like Isaiah, than on the cement chairs of the windowless HFAC basement. The rooms are soundproof, childproof, windowproof, and surrounded by ominous instrument lockers that give the room a feeling of musical captivity. The podium is a wooden pier that tilts to the side when the speakers get up to talk and the Bishop's office has make-up busts in it that are quite freaky.
While I am very satisfied with my BYU education, there is always room for improvement. If you went to BYU, what would you change?
5.) Rename 'Cosmo.' He is a rapacious feline, don't get me wrong, but his name must be changed. If BYU's mascot was an astronaut or a martian, Cosmo would be fitting. As it stands, Cosmo needs to legally alter his name to something like 'Shipbuilder' or 'Hairy One.' Those are the names that will strike fear in the hearts of his opponents the world over. If people complain, just pretend he got married and now goes by his wife's surname.
4.) Abolish Jamba Juice on campus. People are obsessed with Jamba Juice and it's affecting their health significantly, both physically and mentally. They say to themselves, "I'll just eat this 64oz. fruit smoothie for breakfast. It has enough sugar to make a martyr out of a diabetic or a corpse out of a really big bear, but I'm sure it's healthy because it has wheatgrass in it. Horses eat wheat and grass, and they are big and strong, so it must be equivalent to spinach!" Hence the demise of mental health. I don't like Jamba Juice.
3.) Set up a meals-for-cable program. I would gladly invite a random freshman over for an hour of my non-BYU cable if they fed me at the Cannon Center (we have the Food Network and the Travel Channel!). Heck, I'd pretty much do anything for a meal at the Cannon Center including tutoring, doing the Hokey-Pokey, or feeding fish to alligators, if the situation arose.
2.) Expand the music collection in the music room of the testing center. If I have to listen to the 'Seminary Soundtrack' one more time while taking a test, I'm going to light my exam on fire (with my eyes, nonetheless) and cram it in the antiquated CD player as it musically interprets Nephite coinage. And then I will obfuscate the 'Repeat' button so that when I take a four hour test I don't hear the same CD four times.
1.) Stop all Church meetings taking place in the practice rooms of the Harris Fine Arts Center (and move them elsewhere). I'd rather have Church in a tent, like Isaiah, than on the cement chairs of the windowless HFAC basement. The rooms are soundproof, childproof, windowproof, and surrounded by ominous instrument lockers that give the room a feeling of musical captivity. The podium is a wooden pier that tilts to the side when the speakers get up to talk and the Bishop's office has make-up busts in it that are quite freaky.
While I am very satisfied with my BYU education, there is always room for improvement. If you went to BYU, what would you change?
23 October 2009
Psycho, X-men Origins: Wolverine, Chuck Close
Psycho- This Alfred Hitchcock thriller is the best product to come from someone named 'Alfred' since bubble wrap. (As you'd have it, bubble wrap was invented by Alfred Fielding, just three years before the release of Psycho. Thank you Wikipedia!). That must have been a magical few years with all the achievements by Alfreds. The Davids will have our time; you just wait. Psycho was in black, white, gray, grey, off-white, and any other combination of hues that can be boiled out of white and black. (I often wonder if there was color at all in the Sixties. I have no evidence to the fact.) Psycho was scary. Scary like you'd feel if you were in a room with a gaggle of geese, and you were covered in pond slime.
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