A Funny Joke to Start Us Off

Note: Only read this post if you are in good health and your abdominals can withstand intense contractions! Now onto the joke: A blind man with a seeing-eye dog walks into a store and abrubtly stops. Then, out of the middle of nowhere, he picks up the dog and starts to swing it around his head, only holding onto the the leash. The store manager runs over and angrily asks, "Excuse me Sir! Are you insane? What are you doing?" The blind man frankly replies, "Oh, just taking a look around!" Badaboom! I love it! I have some more jokes of nearly the same caliber but they will not be showcased just yet.
If you've been looking for me, you probably haven't found me in Utah. If you've been looking in Belmont however, you would find me becuase that's where I'm at! Next time though, you should just call or read my blog to find out where I am. I had a lengthy trip home on Thursday, although none of it was all that note-worthy except for one passenger who sat behind me from Chicago to Boston. Do you have time to hear about it? Great. As I sat down she was on the phone talking in a stentorian voice about her daughter who was apparently large with a babe in her belly. The conversation went like this:
Lady Behind Me (We'll call her Mama Jo): "DID YOU HAVE THE BABY YET? I'M ON MY WAY THERE JUST AS FAST AS I CAN! DON'T HAVE HER YET!... NO, DON'T WORRY ABOUT MAKING DINNER, I'LL GRAB SOMETHING WHEN I LAND... NO, I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO THROUGH THE TROUBLE... YOU'RE PREGNANT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! OH REALLY? DOES IT HAVE CHEESE? OH WELL, THEN MAYBE... YEA? WELL, THAT SOUNDS DELICIOUS! YEA, I'LL DEFINATELY EAT THAT." I wanted to ask if there was going to be leftovers that I could take home with me... Oh the joys of travel. But now I am home and loving it!

My Love for the Newspaper

I love the newspaper. I love the variety of articles, I love the advertisments, I love the cheap price, I love the pictures and I love the writing styles. I love reading about current events and I love reading inutile articles. Today I picked up my complimentary copy of the New York Times National Edition on campus and proceeded to read it for over an hour. I read some of it in class which posed an interesting situation: I couldn't turn the pages for fear of babel, so I was confined to just the front pages of each section. I read the first half of every article in section A (with such variety as "Inmate Count in U.S. Dwarfs Other Nations,'" "China May Give Up Attempt To Send Arms to Zimbabwe" [my favorite one], "The Bruising Will Go On for the Party, Too" and "Europe Turns Back to Coal, Raising Alarms on Climate Change"), and then while in suspense as to how the Democratic Party was going to deal with a split party and how the Italians were going to maximize global warming, I was forced to move on to Dining In/Out. My favorite of those articles was the one one puddings, custards and ice cream. That was the first article I read in full after being released from my unconventionally-captivating class. Anyway, I enjoyed the Business Day and The Arts as well. I ended up finishing all the front page articles I started and became quite the afficionado on topics like American incarceration, Chinese relations and coal power. All fascinating topics. Only in the newspaper can you feel that you are an expert in a thousand different areas after just one hour of reading.

"For The Beauty of the Earth"

Yes, men, women and children, there is peace, joy and beauty in the world. It's called ice cream. And honey. Actually there is more beauty than that, even. Last Monday I went to the Thanksgiving Point Tulip Festival with my sister Anne and I had ample time to stop and smell the roses, er tulips. Actually, we were too early for the tulips so we saw a lot of bulbs but not many beauties. The festival grounds included man-made waterfalls, Roman pillars, fountains, fields, a fish pond and flowers spread over 55 acres. It was gorgeous. Anne and I confabulated about many topics, including the plaguing numbers of teenage pregnancies in America, and study abroads. And then I went and saw "Juno" the next day (about a teenage pregnancy) just to stay consistent. The weather was paradigm on that particular Monday. Anne and I stopped at a fountain and dipped our hands in the cool, refreshing water and chatted in the sun. Oh it was so relaxing and beau ideal. A great way to start off Finals week. And now I want to testify that amidst the staggering teenage pregnancy numbers, world hunger, global warming and ridiculous gas prices there is peace and beauty in the world. All one has to do is get a bowl of ice cream and go out in the sun by a pond, engage in a colloquium with a close friend and enjoy God's creations to know that life is good. So get out there, carpe diem, and enjoy every single day!

Getting Robbed at the Gas Station

High gas prices these days are really driving me nuts. Every time I go to the pump I ponder the greediness of the gasoline executives (I ususally stop daydreaming when the gas spills out of my car and soaks into my shoes. Not recommended) and finally it hit me like pistol in the back of the head. Are you ready for the secret: The gas people don't know how to count! I don't know if you noticed this or not, but gas prices go 3 digits past the decimal! HA! Those sneaky gas people have been insidiously deceiving us for years, maybe even decades. But not me! I don't know why no one has figured this out yet. Can you imagine if other businesses tried the same no-good, dirty technique? I can see it now, "Take a Penny, Leave a Penny" would be replaced by "Take a Shard of a Penny, Leave a Shard of a Penny." Or imagine this conversation taking place:
Grocer: "That will be $30.284"
David: ".....Ummm.... Do you take credit?"
Grocer: "No, cash only."
David: "......Ummmmm...... Do you have change for a $.01?"
It's outrageous, and I think the solution is walking and bicycles.

An Ode to Ice Cream

This week I went out for ice cream three times between Monday and Friday and had ice cream in my apartment on the two days I didn’t go out, which really stimulated some thought and provoked new gustatory pleasures I think I had been suppressing. At this moment I want to announce my undying love for ice cream. Here were my experiences: Monday I was in Park City, UT visiting an art show and my friend recommended a great ice cream parlor. Parlor, that’s just a great word. Shoppe too. I had my carmel-goodness flavored ice cream in a homemade, soft, brittle waffle cone that greatly magnified the experience. I was in a state of Elysium. Wow, I want ice cream right now. On second thought, I think you would all scream if I just talked about ice cream for this whole post. I’ll get right to the point:
Chocolate, peppermint, cookies and cream,
Any flavor tastes like a dream.
Edy’s, Breyers, or no-name brand,
I’d make sure they’re all on hand.
Ranc’s, Coldstone, or my very own freezer,
You can find me there even as a geezer.
Gelatto, Fro-Yo, and Dippin Dots,
Just not the same, but still palatable spots.
But don't forget the shake, Sundae and malt,
For their pleasure, no one is at fault.
-David Wallace Bennett

An Inconvenient Movie

And thus begins my career as a movie critic. Last week I went to the international cinema on campus twice... in one day. There were two movies I was dying to see and I could only go on Tuesday. The five O'clock showing was Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth." The only thing international about it was the Mexican student three rows up from me. And the people behind me, now they were funny. These two older ladies came in together and sat behind me, making priceless comments such as "[in an old lady voice] So if I like this movie does that mean I have to vote Democrat?" I almost died laughing. As for the movie, I found it redundantly redundant, and a little boring. It had choppy transitions that made me feel like I had bi-polar disorder. One minute I was learning about global warming and the next minute I was watching Al Gore growing tobacco as a young wippersnapper. I just didn't understand what the deal was with all the Al Gore history. Oh yea, now I remember. He is still bitter about the election and he wants everyone to remember him! My biggest objection however, was that he spent the whole movie describing and detailing the problem, but the only hint at a solution came interspersed between the closing credits. Seriously, the only time he mentioned anything about making a difference was after the movie was over and everyone was waking up. Do I think there is a problem with global warming? Of course. In fact I think it's a fairly important issue, but I want to make a difference and not just talk about the rising CO2 levels in the Antartican ice. The softest part of the movie, and the one that made me shed a tear, was when he said that the rising temperatures were causing icebergs to melt and polar bears to drown. The poor polar bears up at the North Pole are swimming 10-Ks up there and then drowning because they have no place to dock. Go tell that to you roommates and see if it motivates them to turn off the light when they leave the apartment. We really need to turn off the lights when we leave, and walk when you can do so reasonably! Don't make excuses, it's not hard to remember to turn out the lights and use your God-given legs! Rating: C-

2008 Ski Season... In Memoriam

The 2008 ski season was laid to rest this past week and I felt respects needed to be paid and a eulogy rendered. The 2008 season was born on December 8, 2007 in Sundance, UT and melted away on April 2, 2008 at the same location. Funeral services were not held, and the season is survived by some of my closest ski partners: my father, Grant; my mother, Coleen; my sisters Emily and Anne; my brother, Thomas; friends Brad White, Jordan Gardner, Kent and Anne Christensen, Alesey & Girard and the ever-entertaining Greg. At this time of dysphoria I feel it is appropriate to mention a few memories of the past season. No ski season has lived a full life until her users have crashed, burned, lost some equipment and woken up sore the next day. I did all of that on day one. And day two. Actually I think I was still doing that on day 18 of the season. During one memorable occasion I was skiing with Anne and Thomas when I approached and battled a cliff zone. I was lured in by untouched powder (untouched for a reason) and quickly fell prey to the gaping, precipitous, lair of Utah's greatest heights. Finding myself in a pickle with nowhere to go but down I was forced to call upon drastic measures and find a level of bravery I never knew was in me: I took off my skiis and screamed for help. There was a ten foot fall before me and a a steep wall behind me. Finding no other alternative, I threw my skiis off the ledge and leapt for my life. Just my luck, I left my parachute at home that day! I had my planner with me but no parachute! Go figure. I sunk into the snow up to my hips when my boots hit the rock four feet under the snow. I was buried so deep that my brother had to come help dig my feet out because I could not move them. Other memories include attempting a 360 turn in the air (I only made it 193 degrees in the air, although I must have turned at least 720 degrees upon 'landing'), showing up for ski class to learn that I had the same instructor (Greg) and classmate (Jordan) as two years previous, and shussing down Challenger hoping that my coat didn't catch on fire from combustion. This season got a lot of use out of me and the memories will live on. Ski season 2008, we will miss you! Flowers, skiis and other gratuitous offerings may be donated directly to David. He is handleing all the arrangements regarding the anticipated resurrection in 2009.

Tried, Fried and Denied: One Hit Wonders and Blunders in the Kitchen

This year one of my resolutions was to cook more and it's time for a reporting. I got a chinese cookbook while home for Christmas break and that pretty much occupied all of my culinary experiements for the first quarter of the year. But then I made some adjustments and branched out more. The following are some meals I made, the story behind them, and a rating on the finished product:
1.) Ketchup on Salad. Most people can observe basic catastrophes by introspection, but it takes a good, solid experiement for me to learn them. David's Thoughts: "Hmmm. I have a salad but no dressing. My salad doesn't have any tomatoes in it, and I sure do like tomatoes in my salad. Wait a minute! Ketchup has a tomato base doesn't it? Ketchup comes in a bottle like salad dressing, and it does kind of taste like tomatoes. It will be a fine substitute!" FALSE! Rating: F
2.) Honey. It goes great on everything. Probably even salads. Rating: A+
3.) Salmon Burgers. I heard that fish is really good for you, and I found a receipe for salmon burgers using canned salmon in "A Man, A Can, and A Plan." It sounded Can-tastic so I bought all the ingredients and proceeded to cook. It was made of salmon, eggs, saltines and a few other ingredients I choose to forget. I didn't realize it made enough for at least four burgers. After eating one, there was still a lot of "batter" left. For some strange reason, no one wanted to try it out. Long story short, I couldn't bare to see all my hard work go to waste so I choked down two more salmon burgers over the next twenty four hours before giving up and tossing what was left. Good thought, bad execution. Rating: C-
4.) Rice Cake Pizza. I was actually prompted to make this from a suggestion on the back of the rice cake bag, one of the most dependable place to find a receipe. For a crust there was a "light butter" rice cake; the sauce a chunky, tomato, pasta sauce. Then I sprinkled some parmesan cheese on top (it doesn't spread easily on tomato sauce, watch that!) and then topped it off with some imitation bacon bits. This pizza had unpredictable sapidity. A great snack for all the moms out there just trying to feed their kids some healthy after-school food! Rating: B+
I have had many other great memories in the kitchen and out, but I'm afraid that's all I got for now. Carpe diem and Have a fantastic day!

Preamble... Because All Good Literature Needs One!

Please allow me to proceed with the proceeding proceedings and introduce my philosophy on blogs. Or perhaps just on my blog. My goals in this blog are to become a more frequent and expressive writer and to keep my closest of kin up on what is going on in my life. I hope to have some reoccuring themes and common threads throughout my entries, although in general they will be non sequitur. I don't want to bore my readers with painful recounts of my prosaic happenings, although sometimes we learn the greatest lessons while just living our lives in ordinary ways. It is my desire that my entries will be informative and brief so that my readers will always have time to read them. Some things that interest me that will probably be hashed and hashed over again until I pass out include the presidential election, the Red Sox & baseball in general, college, food, movies, current events, religion, exercising, and my convivial social life. Please feel free to respond to my entries and let me know how I can improve. As for now, carpe diem and have a phenomenal day!