There are many things to say about the life of a teacher. There are also many things not to say about the life of a teacher. You could say our lives are filled with sandwich crumbs, but most people wouldn't; not because it's not true, but because it's random and practically illiterate. You could also say our lives are hilarious, and hopefully that will be demonstrated with these stories. While the inspiration for them is accurate, I have no doubt but that I'll elaborate satisfactorily with them.
Yesterday I asked a student where his notebook was. His response? In his backpack.
'Well, what's it doing there?'
'It's resting Mr. Bennett. It's really tired after all the note taking we did yesterday.'
I mean, that's just a funny response. How could I keep from laughing?
On the same day I had a student wad up a piece of paper from the back row, throw it in the direction of the trashcan, watch it veer to the side from the breeze of the open window, bounce off the back of the head of an unsuspecting girl sitting in the front row, ping off the wall, and land in the trash can. It was an unbelievable shot and I witnessed the whole account. He looked up at me in amazement and I wanted to scold him for throwing paper and for hitting the girl who was actually paying attention, but the shot was so impressive all I could do was give him a high five and say to the girl, 'Too bad your head was turned, you just missed an incredible shot!'
I try to add as much humor and good naturedness into my classroom as possible, while still staying within the bounds of a respectable learning environment. It's a very tricky feat to accomplish.
In one particular lesson I was using thumbtacks as random objects to teach about ratios. I asked for two volunteers to come up (7th graders loooove to volunteer in class). When they arrived at the forefront of the room I spread the thumbtacks across the floor and asked them to take off their shoes and have a race across the spikes. One of my willing students knew I was kidding and just rolled her eyes. The other one, however, thought  I was being serious (which really begs the question about what this kid thinks is going to happen when he comes to class every day). He looked up at me in disgust and said, "No Thanks Mr. Bennett. I didn't realize that's what we were volunteering for; someone else can take my place" and then sat down. Man, these kids are hilarious.

Fairfax Collegiate Summer Program

My summer employment has begun- and abruptly ended. It turns out topiary horticulture requires a lot more skill than I had previously thought. I figured using a lawnmower qualified me as moderate-to-experienced in the lawncare field, but No. They were looking for people with a degree in dendrology who had experience working in a barbershop. Fail. So instead I got a job as a teacher at a summer academic program. It's not a summer camp (I am often reminded), and it's definitely not summer school. It's a summer program with all the elements of summer camp and all the academics of a summer school. It's called Fairfax Collegiate Summer Program. I teach the following classes: Intro to Algebra, Math for 5-6 graders, SAT preparation, and Intro to Geometry. So far we've established that I look like James from Big Time Rush on Nickelodeon (Google Image it to give your opinion, if for some reason, you don't watch Nickelodeon like the rest of us) and that I don't know how to divide decimals by hand. Try and try as I might, I can't figure out how these kids are dividing decimals by hand. I have to flit my calculator out to find the answers after yelling 'Look over there! It's Selena Gomez reading Harry Potter with her Polly Pocket!' It's the only way I can sneak in a few hits on my TI-89. I even asked a student, slyly (that's an adjective, not the student's name, Her name was Clyly), to explain how they got their answer (because I had not the foggiest idea). Clyly explained to the whole class how she did her math, and despite every other 11 year old understanding, I was lost. Anyway, besides my new doppelganger status and inability to work with decimals work is going well. We've only had one 911 call in two weeks, and I think my kids learned at least one fact in our two weeks together. Today I started a new session and was not approached by any angry parents so I think I'm going to make it through.

Kids Say the Darndest Things...

Yesterday was my last day at the wonderful Duke Ellington School of the Arts in Washington, D.C. as a student teacher. As a parting gift my awesome mentor teacher bought some big posterboard and had all our kids sign it with messages. It has the feel of what you'd see in a yearbook. Many of the messages were hilarious to read so I've selected a few and am posting them with some commentary. Many of them can only be understood by a teenager, many of them only understood by a gangsta, and many of them can just never be comprehended. The following are exact quotes from my card, except for one or two names which will be denoted with asterisks. I tried to keep the feel of the messages as best I could even though I omitted some things that were too long.

•  I loved your dancing was great. I'm glad I wasn't this child's English teacher. Dancing was an occasional occurrence in my class.
• Imma miss you homeslice! If you ever come back (like your promised) imma teach you how to Jerk! LoL. it's gonna be weird not seein' you in the hallway but I guess i can deal! sniff sniff. To 'Jerk' means to do a specific dance called the 'Jerk.' Sometimes this child capitalized her 'i's and sometimes she did not.
• Yo Yo Mr. Bennett. Thanx on da 1,000. Strictly from the Young Wolf M****** A.K.A. Moe Chill-A I'm still not sure what the 1,000 is. Apparently this student has three names and he signed them all on my card.
• I'm goanna miss you! You was ji cool as #@!?. LoL. It's goanna be different without you. Don't forget me! She spelled 'gonna' wrong both times so I'll just assume she meant to write what she wrote. I had to ask what 'ji' meant and another student told me 'that means you're like really, REALLY cool.' I was flattered.
• J****** C*****= Your wife. <3 This particular student, J.C. also made me a cake with my name on it. She's a sweetie.

• Good Teaching young man! BIG DADDY PAPI SHMOOKY A.K.A. A****** Many students saw this card as an avenue to advertise their rap careers I think...
• Be the king of numbers. <3 you! That's just good advice for a math teacher.
• Mr. Bennett, I love your wonderfully abstract ways of teaching shapes, your sound effects, and enthusiasm. I wasn't even aware of all my sound effects until my mentor teacher told me they were really funny to listen to. Apparently I make them all the time, including when erasing the board and crossing off numbers.
• We will mess you and your "funny" jokes. Lots of jokes, some not so well received.
• Good job not straightening your hair. Your student teached the bestest. Once again, I'm glad I wasn't this girl's English teacher. My kids were really obsessed with my hair and the way that it fell straight down.
• We'll miss you Mr. Handsome. After reading this another student said, "You know Mr. Bennett, you have a lot of perverts in your class." I disagreed with her, but it was a funny comment.
• ily I had to ask, and apparently this is short for "I love you."
• I will miss your corny/funny jokes in class. Enough Said.
• Your class was hella fun. I enjoyed it. This student said about three things to me all semester so I was pleased to hear he thought class was fun.
• "Bennett" "Swag" Teenagers these days love the word 'swag.' This was perhaps the most complimentary thing anyone could have written on my card.
• One student drew a picture of Death with a sickle then wrote Thank you. He was kind of goth...
• Thanks Mr. Bennett. For Math. Young Loud aka M******* I'm not sure why he wanted to be called Young Loud, but there you have it.
• Your cool... and HANDSOME. P.S. Your very "funny" IMY! I learned that IMY stands for "I'll miss you."
• Stay a THUG! I'm not sure I was ever a thug, but I guess now I get to stay one

Pi Day

American Historians have July 4th (Independence Day).
Somnambulists have January 3rd (Festival of Sleep Day).
Architects have September 3rd (Skyscraper Day).
Christians have December 25th (Christmas).
But what about math people? What do they have? Oh yea, that's right, we have PI DAY!

March 14th is Pi day, every year, celebrating the first three digits of the magnanimous Greek letter pi. This year for Pi day I went to school and taught about circles. But then I went to a pi party! All four of the people in the above picture are high school math teachers with a passion for pi (and pie, as you'd have it). At this party we shared our favorite math jokes (What did the 0 say to the 8? - I like your belt!) and talked about our favorite numbers. It was a major math fest that alienated all the non math nerds. Most people may want to look at this in disgust, but they would be ill advised to do so on March 14. That's our day. Word!
Pie was served at the party. I would say that it wasn't a very good place to pick up on chicks. Any girl I started a conversation with ended pretty quickly due to my math references...  Not even my favorite math pick up line worked- "Dang girl! Can I lay tangent to those curves?"
Note: My shirt was the first 3,045 digits of pi on it; the girl on the left has a shirt that has pi telling i to 'Get real!' and i responding with 'Be rational!'; the girl on the right's shirt says "QT pi"; and the girl on the far right is a Math Ninja, apparently.

I have been sufficiently warned against writing about my students in an open forum, such as a blog, so I think I'm going to tone my school experiences down a little. It's too bad because they are pretty humorous, but rather than go private I'll just write about something else for awhile. Like for one post.
Every month since coming to DC I have gone on a day trip to a new city. January was Philadelphia, February was New York, and on Saturday I went to Baltimore (for my March adventure). My good friend Michelle is a dental hygienist and located a museum in Baltimore that she really wanted to go to. Do you know what museum it was?  Of course you don't, unless your name is Brook. It was the National Museum of Dentistry! We planned a whole day trip to Baltimore around one museum dedicated to instruments of torture and clean teeth! While I didn't enjoy the evolution of dental picks I did enjoy the evolution of teeth among varying animals. Did you know shark teeth work in a conveyor belt style where once one row gets too worn down they fall off and another row of teeth slides into their place from farther back in their mouth? Teeth define our smiles, and I was able to recognize seven of ten celebrities by merely their smiles. I was only able to name 6 of 10 sharks by their smiles. I learned about the role of teeth in identifying exhumed bodies, the amazing responsibilities of saliva (mostly I was just wondering if there were any medical advantages to swapping spit. Hehe.), and the hazards of early X-rays. I learned the Inuit legend of how the narwhal got its large front tooth, aka horn, and how ancient Mayans used to put gems in the facades of their teeth. I learned proper brushing techniques and the dangers of plaque. All in all I was really pleased that I went and very satisfied that I got to do with someone who knew so much about dentistry- and was excited about it!

After the museum we drove by Camden Yards (Orioles Baseball park) and the football stadium.  We then ate at the world famous Broadway Diner where you are guaranteed at least three different servers- even if you only order water. Anyone who is anyone goes to the Broadway Diner when they're in town. We held our breath under the harbor and then drove home. It was a delightful first trip to Baltimore. Next time we're going in the evening to catch an Orioles game, a sunset, and some dinner. We'll, we probably won't catch the dinner; we'll just go back to the Broadway Diner.

Rosslyn Haircuts and Dilating Shapes

This week was eventful insofar as haircuts go. I was in need of a little trim so I looked up some nearby barbershops on Yelp and found one highly recommended and very close to my house. When I walked in you'd have thought I was in a nail parlor or a dry cleaning establishment- all Asians! I have had my hair cut by a Latino, an Arab, an American, and an Antarctican penguin but never an Asian. But, as I could see because it was prominently displayed on the mirror, this salonist was certified to cut hair... at least until December 2009. Yes, his cosmotology license had expired over a year ago and still he was showcasing it as if he had graduated tomorrow. And then he turned my chair around so that I was not facing his mirror. I think he called it 'a surprise cut.' Either he wanted me to be surprised or he wanted to get a better view of the television.
The best part of the haircut was the end when he gave me a warm water straight edge shave of my neck and sideburns. It felt like I was in the Wild Wild West. They were very eager to give beard trims at this establishment. The Asian woman cutting next to me asked her client no less than 11 times if she could shave his scruff for him.
"I cut your beard, Sir?"
"No, no thank. I'll shave when I get home."
"I will do a really great job! I shave, yes?"
"Umm, no, thank you. I like the rough look." [Now repeat 5.5 more times.]
All in all I was very pleased with my haircut and it was very reasonably priced. If you need a place to get a trim in Rosslyn, give me a call.
A funny occurrence happened at school while I was teaching about shape dilations.
 I asked:
"Okay, where have you heard of dilations in real life?"
"When you're pregnant they always talk about dilating."
"When you go to do the doctor they shine a light in your eye to see if it dilates."
"When you smoke crack you get all messed up in your eyes and they dilate."
"Okay... I can't confirm that but I believe you that it's correct."

Showers, Birthdays, and Soft Hair

This week many things happened. Not among the least of them, I showered a record four times. They were all on one day, but at least I got to four in one week (I'm working up to seven). I also recorded a birthday. My friend Mike turned 25 on Tuesday so I gave him a ring-a-ding and then scratched the day into my stone wall, thus marking it for all posterity. I also threw a party for myself in honor of the day my mother successfully bore me. She's only bored me once in twenty five years of knowing her so each year on the anniversary I like to have a little fete.
Since it was my party and I was hosting it I figured I'd better do what I need to do in order to make it enjoyable. (There were a record eleven letter 'i's in that sentence). So what do I enjoy? Good friends who are female and rice cakes. Two men were invited but ruefully theirs they didn't show up. My aunt and uncle with whom I gratefully live with were quite pleased with the outpouring of estrogen in the house. As for party food- it didn't make much sense to buy something I didn't plan on eating so I purchased rice cakes. If you don't like rice cakes you can buy whatever food you want on your own anniversary of maternal boredom, but as for me and my house we will  eat rice cakes. We all had a risible time together, myself especially, and I'm looking forward to renting a car in the future. Twenty Four was my favorite age thus far but that doesn't mean things can't get better!

He's So Dreamy

After I taught a lesson this week my mentor teacher was going over some suggestions with me on how to improve my lesson. I told her I thought kids were a little bored and she disagreed with me. She said Tyeisha (names have not been changed in order to reveal cultural diversity) was looking a little distracted and so she asked her, "Tyeisha, what's going on here? Are you bored?" She said, "No. I am a little distracted though. I just can't stop staring at him. He's so cute."
I'm trying not to let my ego enlarge, and I don't think it will considering it came from a 14-year-old girl who probably also likes Justin Beiber (actually I'm betting she likes Bone-Thugs-n-Harmony; no Beiber fever at The Duke).
The Duke really is a fine place to work. It's uplifting and encouraging.

Life at the Duke

I have now been at my school for three weeks and still have not recorded a full week. Today was a snow day (Washingtonians are much less adept to snow than Bostonians or Utahns) so my streak continues. One of my reasons for wanting to be a high school teacher is that everyday is exciting and funny things happen and every day is different. Here is a sampling of elucidations to help you see why I enjoy my job so much:

• I have been affectionately titled 'The White Mr. Bennett' since there is another Mr. Bennett at the school who is, well, not white.
• I have students with names like Quadaja, Tyeisha, Aquil, Dominique, and twins Summer & Winter.
• I get to teach my kids that angles can't be parallel and that a polygon with thirteen sides is called a 13-gon, not a bagon, deseagon, tridecagon, or ? as they like to write on their tests.
• The only place to park in DC is on the sidewalk, so that's what everyone does at the school.
• A quote from one of my female students, a full decade younger than me: 'Mr. Bennett. I heard you have a girlfriend! I like your shirt today. And your hair. You have great hair Mr. Bennett. It's so long and smooth." Me: "Umm, thanks Marche. That's nice of you to say." 

My school is really fantastic. I love it a lot. You should come visit.

My New School

Me in front of my school. Er, rather, Mt. Vernon.
I have officially moved to Washington, District of Columbia and started my student teaching in mathematics. I will be teaching geometry to 10th graders.
Yes, I have to walk through a metal detector to get in the school in the morning.
By my observation, the school is 85% African-American.
Quote of the day: A student came up to my cooperating teacher and whispered something to her so that I wouldn't hear. When she left my cooperating teacher said to me, "She thinks you look like Jim from The Office. But you don't, she just thinks all white people look alike."
It's funny because A) It's just funny. B) I have been told by multiple sources that I look like Jim from The Office, so I don't necessarily think this girl thought all white people look alike...
Luckily my Thailand excursion gave me some experience being the only white person in the class.